"So Frequently we mistakenly believe that our children need more things, when in reality their silent pleadings are simply for more of our time."
***President Thomas S. Monson (Ensign May 1994)

Wednesday, September 27, 2006

I'm back!!!!

I'm Back Oh, I have a lot to catch up on. So I'll try and catch everyone up on the highlights that have been going on. It may take awhile, but I'll give it my best..........

(***small warning*** for you teary friends of mine, this part was hard for me to write, hard for me to get through, so you've been warned)
First of all, my mom came out to visit us for 2 weeks. I love my mom so much and I loved having her here in my home. It was fun to watch my kids with her. I think that they were just as happy to have her here as I was. We don't have nearly as much time with her as we'd like, so we appreciate every second we get. It's hard being so far away. Mom left yesterday.

I knew it was going to be hard to have her leave, but I thought I was doing pretty good. I was fine at home before we left, I was fine driving to the airport, I was even fine in the airport walking her to her gate, but that's where I lost it. I cried, we both cried. I couldn't even talk. I couldn't even tell her how much I loved having her here or how grateful I was that she came or even how much I'd miss her. I might have managed a small good-bye and then Noah and I left her there to wait for her plane. I cried as we walked through the airport, I cried while the nice lady gave Noah a pencil and an airplane eraser and I cried while I paid the parking attendant. I kept hearing, "why are you crying?" coming from the back seat, but that didn't help me stop either. I kept thinking, "I'm alone again" and it was hard not to cry. It was hard thinking about going to my empty house, but then I didn't want to go anywhere else either. I kept thinking that I still have 2 more months to go before Chad comes home and until then it's just me. alone. again. It made me feel sick to my stomach. I cried some more. I did manage to hold back the tears while we made a quick stop into the Dollar Tree, although, I probably didn't look that great. When I buckled Noah into his car seat to leave, he said, "Grandma likes the Dollar Tree" and I started crying again. It continued all the way home and for awhile at home too.

I sniffed my way through an email to Chad which didn't help me feel any better. I mean, wouldn't it have been so much nicer to come home and have him give me hug and tell me that everything was ok and that he's here for me, but he wasn't here, the best I could get was an email back saying those things. It's just not quite the same. Noah and I went outside for awhile. He played out there while I watched him. I started to feel like I could be ok. We came inside and put up some Halloween decorations. I started to feel like I could survive. By the time we ate dinner I felt like I could probably muddle through even though it sucked. After I put the kids to bed and was sitting listening to Noah snore (more on that later) I thought about the airport. One of the last things my mom said to me, through her own tears, was "keep doing what you're doing". I think that she ment I was doing ok and if I just kept it up, I'd get through. I appreciate hearing that from her, probably more than she'll every know. Unfortuneatly, 90% of the time I feel like what I'm doing is just keeping my head above water. I'm not sure that that's such a great way to get through life.

So, anyway, I got a 2 week reprieve from my "real life" and now it's back to the "old grind" as they say............

1 Comment:

marie said...

:( way to go! You did make me cry. I guess I am a "teary' friend! I hope you feel better soon. It sucks feeling lonely. But if you need me I'm there 4 u!

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